


W H Y

by intaspend



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Funny, Gen, I think I specified one professor, Students just savaging the worldbuilding of hp, characters only mentioned, only dialogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-05-19 10:48:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19355506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intaspend/pseuds/intaspend
Summary: This is just a completely random compilation of whatever I could think to poke fun at in the Harry Potter Universe. It's all dialogue, and the timeline skips around a lot for being this short XD.





	W H Y

"5 points for being late"  
"Professor, the stairs MOVE."  
\--  
"Where is your essay?"  
"I've been trying to get help on doing my homework for like a month now but no one starts with how to use a quill."  
\---  
"Why weren't you at flying lessons?"  
"I have a phobia of heights."  
…  
…  
"Also as a rule, even if it's magic I'm against having a broom being the only thing keeping me from plummeting to my death. There's not even straps."  
\---  
"Why are you not in bed?"  
"We can't write down the password and he only told us once. I'm scared of Filch."  
\---  
"Professor, I'm not sure all of these students are ready to be taught the Hogwarts curriculum, I asked someone to give me eight times four really quick and they asked me what multiplication was."  
"... And um, what is… multiplication?"  
"... What."  
\----  
"I tried to take Arithmancy but they started out with triple digit addition, I don't know how Hermione does it, she must be bored out of her skull."  
\---  
"I asked Professor Snape why they're allowed to use opium in potions and give it to students, especially when it's a controlled substance in Scotland and literally everywhere else and he gave me detention."  
\----  
"I asked if I was allowed to be homeschooled or transferred, and they said no, so I asked why they require tuition and they just sorta stared at me."  
\-----  
"Professor, I'm doing some independent research on the effects of Dreamless Sleep, and how to improve them, but the books I need are in the restricted section, may I have a pass?"  
"No, they're restricted for a reason."  
"But… then why do you have them in a school library if the students can't read them with a good reason?"  
"... I'll read them over and get back to you, don't be late for your next class."  
"Professor?"  
"Yes?"  
"The stairs move."  
\-----  
"50 points for going out after curfew and entering the forbidden forest."  
"First of all, I'm 17. I never wanted to go here and at this point it's practically kidnapping, I'm not going to worry about your curfew, Potter never did. Second of all, if a seventh year isn't safe enough to go into the forbidden forest then why the bloody hell is it on the grounds? You know the things in that forest can come OUT, right?"  
\-----  
"Dude, did you hear the news?"  
"No, what?"  
"Not only did they expel Hagrid for a crime the creature he was keeping couldn't have done, but when they finally figured out who actually did it, they didn't even give him a new wand!"  
"... When I'm finished with school, I'm moving to America."  
\------  
"Why are you not in class?"  
"THE. STAIRS. MOVE."  
\------  
"Why are you not doing your work?"  
"My brother sat on my glasses just before we came to Hogwarts, and the doctor said I had to come in to go get a new pair, because we didn't have time to go this year. When we owled the school they didn't respond. I'm legally blind Professor."  
"... Go see Madam Pomfrey."  
\----  
"THREE YEARS"  
"Dude, calm down, what is it?"  
"I've gone to this school for THREE YEARS, and NO ONE BOTHERED to tell me that magic can cure bad eyesight! THREE. YEARS."  
\------  
"Look, guys, we all know Snape is a monster alright but he's an absolute beast to Potter's class and I've got a theory."  
"Oh not this again, last time you said Dumbledore was secretly in love with Grindlewald, like that's not patently ridiculous."  
"No, no, I stand by that but this is much more domestic, listen- Snape and Potter's Mum- wait, seriously it makes sense! The guy fed a bad potion to a first year's toad it's gotta be jealousy- Aren! Aren don't leave-"  
"No! I'm fed up with your bullshit!"  
"Yeah dude, there's a place you have to draw the line and this is it! We're done."  
"Aaaaareeeeeeeennnnn (and Jose)"  
\------  
"Dude, people can mind read."  
"What?"  
"Yeah, you ever looked into Dumbledore's eyes? Dude can literally read your mind."  
"Oh shit really?"  
"Yeah, Snape was filling in for DADA professor again and he wrecked all of our collective shits. I was reeling for hours, but it's certainly incentive to practice countermeasures."  
"Dude do you think he…"  
"If you were thinking about that while looking into an elderly man's eyes then I have no hope for you."  
\---  
"With the amount of students that get injured every year, why don't you teach them healing spells first year ma'am?"  
"... Excuse me, I need to go talk to the Headmaster."  
\---  
"Professor, I would rather not be killed by whatever is roaming the halls, I don't need transport but I would like to go home until you take care of the threat."  
"I'm sorry, we can't allow students to go home, if it gets out to the parents they'll shut down the school."  
"So you're saying that you'd rather keep open this ridiculously old school that has a ton of things wrong with it than assure my ability to live."  
"I appreciate you feel that way, but many students and staff feel differently about the importance of this school-"  
"So you're saying a bunch of people's sentimentality for their boarding school is more important than my life."  
"... Apparently so."  
"All due respect Professor, but I won't be attending classes until the threat is taken care of, and nor will I ever attend a detention again."  
"... Dismissed."  
"No, I'm leaving. There's a difference."  
\----  
"You mean to tell me, that literally erasing people's memories for whatever reason you want is not a crime, but having a flying car that conceals itself is."  
"Of course, it's all about the statute of secrecy."  
"So you're saying a Witch hunt that happened over a century ago that got mostly muggles holds more weight than people's lives and memories."  
"I- I don't make the rules!"  
"No, but you're a pillar of the system! Your family is really important, right?"  
"Well, yes, but no one is as important as the Malfoy's"  
"The 'Pureblood Ideaologist' that literally everyone hates is the single most important family in the country."  
"Yes."  
"And you haven't revolted by now… why?"  
"Because then the magical creatures will take over."  
"Which is a bad thing for a reason that isn't racism… why?"  
"..."  
\----  
“10 points for being late, really it’s seventh year, you should be able to get to class on time”  
“FOR THE LAST TIME. THE STAIRS. MOOOOOVEEEE.”

*Bonus Addition*  
"Now, keeping magic a secret is of the utmost importance."  
"Er... I kinda told all my mates and some random people on the street. Showed them a basic spell and everything... I don't know who they all were, is that a problem?"


End file.
